Thinking about suicide?

I've recently been thinking about suicide. The only thing holding me back is not wanting to hurt my friends and family.





I know this may seem selfish and trite to most, but I just realized that I ruined my skin through excessive tanning bed use. I'm 32 now, and can already see the damage. My skin has become dry, itchy and wrinkled. I destroyed all of my collagen, so my skin has lost the ability to retain moisture.





I am a narcissist. I spent the last 15 years of my life taking care of my health, eating right, working out, etc. I guess I'm also a hypochondriac, because from what I hear online, I can expect to be a wrinkled bag with skin cancer in another ten years. This has severely hampered my ability to have any kind of positive outlook for the future. I am not married, and have no children. Rather than prolonging my mental anguish, I have started to seriously consider suicide.





I know that there are people out there who thinks this is selfish, but I can't help it. I tend to focus on the negative, yet I'm very perceptive. There are clues all around us. I always tried to be superman. The last time I watched it, I realized that my kryptonite is the UVA radiation that these tanning coffins are responsible for. There is even a reference to indoor tanning in the movie -- the scene in Lex Luthor's underground compound, where his girlfriend is suning herself artificially. Do you see how being overly perceptive can create so much anxiety? Not to mention the movie tiTAN-ick, which was another clue from god, telling me to stop trying to be mr. shallow mr. america.





All I see is cancer and dying. My father died of lung cancer, and I saw first-hand the agony he went through. It's just sad to think that I might make all of my dreams come true, and come so far just to go out like that. I can't get it off my mind. I can deal with having a bad day, failing an exam, or losing a job - no problem -- I'm healthy and smart. But it was a bombshell to read what I have from the internet. Now I just live day to day because I have lost all of my self-esteem. I am not comfortable in my own skin....literally. I always felt like my fair skin was a curse..people always telling me how I looked better with a tan, or needed to get some sun. Ignorance. But maybe I would have killed myself anyway, from lack of UV radiation, due to Seasonal Affective Disorder.





My question is this -- Is it worth living if you have no self-esteem? Is it more selfish to want someone to live, even if they want to commit suicide and reside in their dreams? After all, you can't love others if you can't love yourself first. Because all I want to do now is sleep. When I'm awake, I drink too much. I am smart and capable, but I don't know if I'm smart enough to reverse premature aging and terminal illness. Plus the issue of god's clues that I wasn't smart enough to recognize in time. Maybe I'm hell-bound.





If anyone out there can offer some advice or point me towards a more suitable, professional forum, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm hoping that there will be someone out there that I can relate to.





Thank you.Thinking about suicide?
I understand what you are going through, I went through something life altering myself, but I have a few questions. You said that you read what you have online... Have you seen the doctor and been diagnosed by a DOCTOR?





You can't go around giving yourself a death sentence ESPECIALLY if you never went to the Doctor... You have already stated that people love you... hold on to that and as far as marriage, it can happen! Believe me when I say that!!





Don't give in and don't give up, if you are religious then you need to get on your knees and have a serious talk with the man above, the creator can and will make it alright!





If you need to talk email me at phillking71@yahoo.comThinking about suicide?
I would tell you that you never know how life will end out and there may be something that you can take that will help out your skin, and manly just dont do it there is to much to lose
First off....skin cancer is 100% treatable and curable.





Secondly, go seek professional help, you need it! Looks aren't everything, it is the person you are on the inside that counts.
First of all, you are not alone and you are not worthless. For example, you wrote this very thoughtful note and it seems to me you are ready to face the music.





You need professional help. I would seek immediate medical help. First, you need to know the truth about your skin condition. A dermatologist can do that for you. Excessive tanning bed use increases the chance of getting cancer but it does not mean you have cancer or that you will in fact get it. Second, you need to see a therapist (Psychologist or Psychiatrist). Talk therapy or medication will put you back on track.





Good luck and take care.
There are two seperate issues here, your dry skin and your low self esteem,


the dry skin can be rejuvenated with nightly daubing with moisteriser cream,


the low self esteem can be dealt with by going to self assertiveness classes,


you do not know if you are going to get cancer at any time, but what you can be sure of is that you and I will die at some point.


If you kill yourself you will prove to yourself and all the people who love you that you are a selfish person and I don't think you are,


I just think you are introverted and self absorbed, think a bit more of other people for a change and give yourself a break.
I haven't been thinking about the suicide becouse i don't have any problem... mmmm ya i have some problems but everyperson have some-.- and also if the problems are big and big,you can manage to find something to be alive...friends always help a lot in the life's problem i hope you find a way to go out from your problem.. good luck (i'm italian sorry for the mistakes)
Oh My God Honey, Please do not think about suicide. I had a niece that committed suicide about 6 months ago. I still having gotten over it. I think about it constantly everyday asking myself why did she do it. She was very unhappy with herself inside and out. You all have to realize that we, your family loves you unconditional no matter how you look. I do feel it is selfish but I do understand what you go throught. Honey you have to tough it out everybody has bad days but our good days out weight our bad days. God loves you, family and friends love you no matter how you look always remember that. Please talk with your family and let them know what you are going throught so they can be your support. Life is so precious and was given to us as a gift from God. Let God decide when it is time for you to leave this earth. I love you my brother or sister.
I understand what you are going through. I too wrecked my skin with sunbeds, I'm only 28 but feel like my life is over. I ended up resorting to cosmetic surgery which just made matters worse. And don't even get me started on the cancer issue.





I'm married but I'm not even sure if my husband loves me anymore, my family have mostly moved away and I feel like a freak who spends most of the time locked away in indoors afraid of society.





I am seriously considering suicide but whether I will go through with it or not only time will tell. At the moment prozac and valium is keeping me going.
You don't actually want to go through with committing suicide, most people in your position don't. I know it can seem like the only way out, but I promise it's not. You should really see a psychologist who can work with you on you're narcissistic personality and alcohol use, and teach you coping skills to overcome your depression. With hard work and support from the right people you will be able to make your life better.


Best of Luck!
Your touching words brought me to tears. Please DO NOT even think about hurting yourself. Please see a counselor to talk about your problems and fears. Struggling with severe depression myself, i know how hopeless life can seem. But there is a silver lining and if you hang in there and maybe get some meds you will start to see your good days outweigh your bad ones.





Please call this number when you feel like letting it all out and they can refer you to a good counselor:


1-800-273-TALK





Oh and the forums on www.Care2.com (click on ';Groups';)really helped me get through a rough time. There you can meet people going through similar trials and post all your feelings through a supportive group discussion.
DON'T DO IT, WHATEVER YOU DO. It is never worth it. I felt the same way 2 years ago because my girlfriend broke up with me. I am a very accomplished violinist and if I did kill myself, I would have never have figured out that my passions are my music and fishing, and I would have never done anything with my life. Bottom line: it is never ever ever worth it to kill yourself, ever. If you have more questions, fell free to email me at boxerdogsarecute@yohoo.com.
First off, I am very sorry that you are feeling suicidal as you sound like a very nice and intelligent person who is in a deep depression.





I promise you, suicide is not the answer to your problem of low self esteem. I tried to kill myself once I made a very serious attempt. All I can say is that today I am sooooo glad that I didn't die. I would have missed out on so many wonderful things, that I never would have guessed would happen. Life changes fast and you never know what's around the corner. I know you said you are pessimistic but I promise you, one day you will say to yourself, I am so glad that I am alive for this! I don't know what ';it'; will be, but you will say that.





In the meantime you need to seek help for your seasonal disorder for your depression and your suicidal thoughts.





I know you have a problem thinking you ruined your skin....but your problem is more than skin deep. (bad pun, I know but I hope it made you smile...a little?)





On a less important note. There is no skin that can't be treated. Antioxidants, retinol, derma treatments, all restore damaged skin. Talk to a dermatologist about your options.





And if you get cancer (which I highly doubt) than you deal with that, if it happens. For now you have enough on your plate to worry about, without having to worry about, ';What ifs';.





Please seek help.





You are a valuable person with a lot to live for, you just need help recognizing that.





Best wishes!
I'm going to go with no.


Get counseling it will put life in a new perspective. Cancer treatment is continually improving and your too young to rule out getting married and having children.


So no get counseling and it will undoubtedly help.
I believe that you're very honest about saying that you're a narcissist, only that word has a pretty specific meaning in psychology, and to me it really sounds like you have a high esteem for yourself, but you think you've fallen short of you've expected for yourself.





I'm at university with a biochemistry degree, and a minor in psychology... So, I'll say this with relative authority, interspersed with personal experience. People feel a crisis whenever there is a discrepancy between what they think/feel about themselves (self-identity) and we try to find truth in our self identities via confirmation bias about what our environment tells us about ourselves.





The trouble comes when we feel/think that there is overwhelming evidence that we're not who we think we are, leading us to experience self-doubt and possibly an identity crisis. (I'm going through this right now)





Most people are ';narcissistic,'; in the sense that we hold ourselves to a standard that expresses to ourselves/others that we have self-love/concern; as we want to feel positive things in ourselves, which is corroborated by others. Problems occur when we're feeling inferior and we try to deny our feelings of inferiority by soliciting praise while harboring low regards for others (lack of empathy) --- this is the psychological definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.





You don't actually KNOW that you're going to get skin cancer. You may be experiencing signs of body dysmorphic disorder, and we ALL arguably experience mental issues throughout our lives (Like I just discovered that I truly have... ADHD)... See I go off in tangents a lot?... I'm falling short of my expectations in my life, and I am going through identity crises, and sometime I feel like giving up. I don't, I get online and I talk to random people (like you). I think about how tomorrow is always an unknown. I still work everyday to better myself, even if I don't know/think it'll pay off! Life is beautiful in that it is so painful and rewarding at the same time... it is the best drama in the world... you're own personal... real existence and experience! You're something to everybody. You'll never know. We impact strangers everyday. We'll never know.





Anyway, you're very likely to live into your 70+ yrs, as we live in a age of longevity and you sound to be otherwise rather healthful (don't discount that.) I know from the biochemistry degree I have that you'll very likely live to see the day where we can (with absolution) cure cancer. Promising science coming from miRNA regulation of oncogenes. Hell, you might even live to see technology/science reverse the aging process... maybe the only problem the future holds is energy needs for so many living people.





I, with all my heart, urge you to take advantage of low cost mental health services that you're city/county/local university might offer so that you can have a talk with a therapist...





We need other people to survive life... and we all need help to overcome our own individual mental health issues one time or another. You'll be alright, I get almost suicidal at times, but when you can't foresee the future (AND YOU CAN'T) why do you want to get off the ride? All of us will have our day to go, but we'll all have unique experiences in this roller coaster.





I know everyone can have a good and happy life, the abject poor in the 3rd world still experience happiness. We can too, we just need to hang on and enjoy the ride.





Yours with love, from Houston, TX.