I've been in therapy/recovery for almost 2 years now and have for the most part accepted that my Mother is a Narcissist and is incapable of being empathetic for my emotional needs. Both she and my Dad (who's also a Narcissist, but his emotional problems tend to be easier for me to pinpoint) had a super dysfunctional marriage, one where my Dad emotionally abused my Mom for all their marriage and was also a rage-a-holic, while my Mom was the complete enabler and refuses to see her role in my family's dynamic growing up. Granted, she took care of my brother and I as we grew up - for our physical needs, but never quite emotionally there. All through my life, my Mom made herself the victim, complaining to all of our relatives and family friends how she was the martyr, while withholding sex from my Dad and manipulating us kids to her side.
My Dad knows my family has had problems - and while my Mom knew about it when I was younger, she now denies how bad it truly was. I was close to my Mom until my late 20s, when she started using my own secrets and weaknesses against me - at that point, she severed all trust I had in her. She gets very upset at me when I bring up the past or call her on her crap - and now won't take any responsibility for what she did wrong.
I'm in a 12-step program and have since tried to ';make amends'; by listening and just trying to ';relate'; to my parents - instead of rehashing the past and making things worse. But I was rather upset this past wknd - when I spent an hour listening to my Mom talk about her new found spirituality religion (she and my Dad are now born-again Buddhist, forgoing all past problems) - and the only time when I shared with her - I told her that my Boyfriend and I broke up b/c he's a liar and an alcoholic.. she laughed and said, ';Oh, I didn't know he was an alcoholic. It's not that bad.';
I was SO MAD at her.. but b/c I dont' want to go ';back there';.. and that my parents live in a different state now, I didn't think it was worth it.
But what the hell - how does this work when I have to be the healthier person and listen to her (their) narcissist ways while not getting any ounce of compassion or understanding from her? In the past year, I avoided my parents' phone calls and visits as much as I could, only 1 every 2 wks or month and would keep the calls super brief. Now I feel like everytime I let them in, they just hurt me all over again. I don't think this ';Amends'; step work is working because it IS harming me.
So I'm looking for suggestions.. do I need to go back and protect myself/avoid them? Or should I confront them? They will NOT go to a therapist, that is hopeless. If you have any stories that you can relate to, I would appreciate that too. Thank you so much.Need ideas on how to cope with a Narcissist Mother?
How old are you? Why don't you just cut off all ties with them?. My parents are Narcissists too and i've come to the decision that i hate them for being unemotional, useless parents who have never taken any responsibility when it comes to my upbringing.
Trust me your life will be alot better without them in it.Need ideas on how to cope with a Narcissist Mother?
Oh boy you do have it rough. I guess my best advice, based on a similar dysfunctional family, is to face the facts. Firstly, you can't change them, They are and always will be the same and they will continue to hurt you. They can't help it, they don't know they are doing it. Secondly, find it in your heart to finally forgive them for their bad parenting and personal problems that have caused you such pain.
Thirdly, take responsibility for your own emotions. By that I mean you need to expect them to say the wrong thing and so not be surprised or hurt by it. Start to live your live for yourself. Tolerate them because they do love you and I am sure they also love you. You can't spend your life being angry or upset at what your parents ARE NOT. They do the best they can with the emotional problems that they still have. But you are not responsible for either their behavior or to try and fix them. In fact, by the time you realize how dysfunctional your family was, it was already too late to change it. Love and forgive them for their weakness, then be strong and live in the present. When you visit them, plan it well. Short visits, time with friends and resist them temptation to let them GET TO YOU.
My Dad spent his entire life with one foot in his mouth and had no idea how much pain he caused his own kids and grandchildren. I believe that being honest about how you feel and confronting your parents is useless. There is no nobility in telling the truth if all it will cause is more pain or problems.
Good luck
I am also in a 12 step program.
Steps 8 %26amp; 9 amends are for people that YOU have harmed. You do not need to make amends to people that harmed you nor should you.
If you feel like amends are needed, never forget that the best amends is to work your program and live well. Often it's the only amends that one can make. If talking to them jeopardizes your recovery then don't talk to them. Recovery must come first.
Do NOT expect people that are messed up to provide you with anything like responsibility or compassion. They are damaged amd may never ';get it';.
Do you have a sponsor that helps you work the steps? If you have one, discuss it with your sponsor. If not, get one. It's the sponsor's job to help you work the steps.
Good luck and God Bless.
Read:
Children of the Self-Absorbed, by
Nina W. Brown, %26amp;
Trapped in the Mirror, by
Elan Golomb,
from your bookstore, or amazon.com
Check out: http://www.mental-health-today.com %26amp;
http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk/npd/fir鈥?/a> %26amp;
http://samvak.tripod.com
Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as: (free) http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-鈥?/a> or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody鈥?/a> or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (no flexibility required) at http://your-mental-health.8m.com/blank_1鈥?/a>
More techniques are shown on pages 1, about stress, %26amp; B.
These will enable you to emotionally centre yourself, when practiced regularly, and can also help you become a calmer, more self controlled person, who is less influenced by the words, and behaviour of others.
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