How do you interact, as an adult, with a verbally abusive parent?

I apologize ahead of time for the novel, but there is no easy way to describe my situation.





I've recently begun delving through my past and present relationship with my father. A few things that I've discovered are that he is narcissistic, extremely short tempered, verbally abusive and throws 5-year-old temper tantrums. I've had shouting matches, tried to give reasonable answers to his fumings, and simply left the room. I always feel emotionally defeated no matter what the outcome. He does not take criticism. I think he truly believes that he has never been ';wrong';.





I usually do everything I can to avoid being the target of his tirade, but it still hurts emotionally to watch him rant at other members of my family and minutes later he'll try to have a conversation like nothing happened. I've never even once seen him apologize.





It seems that there is no hope that my parents would ever separate, so if I want to see my mom, I have to see him. I live in PA and the rest of my family (mom dad and two siblings) lives in MN).





I've decided to begin seeing a counselor on this issue, but I wonder how other people in a similar situation handle this. I've seen a lot of advise saying to cut narcissist out of your life and believe me, if that was an option, I would do it. I love my mother and would not stop seeing her just to avoid my father. What I want is relief from the emotional stress that I feel every time I see them.





One last comment - My mother tells me that my fathers temper is worse around me. I know he has not directed it at me in the past few years, but I wonder if my impatience with him shows through and makes it worse for everyone. I don't believe that his reactions are my responsibility, but if my presence ultimately causes grief to the rest of my family, I'm in a bit of a catch 22. Should I change my attitude towards him to make life more bearable, or allow him to hurt my family?





If you've dealt with type of person, describe how you've learned to interact with them as you've gotten older, even if that means cutting them off and no longer speaking with them?How do you interact, as an adult, with a verbally abusive parent?
Sorry that you are in this situation.


It seems you are taking the right step for yourself by seeing a counselor. If you get a good one, I am sure they will help you to shed some light on what is the best route to take in this situation.





It must be difficult like you said if it were anyone else you would have taken a hike a long time a go, but when we deal with family there is so much more to consider.





You said that you avoid being the target of your father's tirade as much as you can. I can only suggest that you continue on this path.


You are not the problem though, he is the one with the problem, but if it means more peace for your mom and other family members then maybe for your sanity you ought limit your visits and time around your father, until you receive some, hopefully, wise counsel and perhaps some effective coping tools to deal with the situation.





I do know that for people like your dad, our reaction towards them can either inflate or deflate the mood. We either feed the fire so to speak or douse the flames, it takes skill to know how to respond. Learn to read the signs and try a new approach. I hope the counsellor can advise you in this area.





My dad sounds a bit different to yours, but mine sure knows how to push buttons, it isn't easy to not react, but over time I have learnt to ignore much and not bite the bait. He too has never apologised and cannot admit being wrong. If it's any consolation, my father has mellowed somewhat with age, but he had to reach his 70's to do so.How do you interact, as an adult, with a verbally abusive parent?
I put them in their place and have them wondering if they're ever going to see or hear from me again.
one of my best friends were like that when we became roomates, almost got in fist fights at times. i found out since he liked weed so much i would roll up while he is arguing and light it then pass it to him and then the peace came instantly, so i guess its just a subliminal cry for help saying ';i am not getting what i need and i am stressed out!'; i feel that way at times and it seems the only thing that does help is smoking weed because it relaxes you and makes you happy and think positive, the only reason it is so illegal is because they havent found a way to tax it since you can easily grow it.
just because your dad shouts and argues doesn't mean you have to engage in a shouting match with him maybe you too are both very much alike how about you and your father go somewhere alone together have some father daughter time then maybe you could get to the root of the problem and start having a healthy relationship im not saying talk to him directly about it but to just enjoy each others company without both of you getting wound up and shouting find out what he likes then go with him or take him to do or see some thing you know he is interested in build a bridge before you are unable to .
My dad is pretty much the same way. We got into screaming fits all the time because of the fact that he gets into tantrums so easily. Apparently you assume your not similar to your dad, so you clash, but just because you don't argue the same way, it doesn't mean anything.


The thing you should remember is he is not going to change. He's just that type of person, and if your parents show no signs in divorcing, then they most likely aren't.


My parents have also been married 20+ years, and I have had situations such as yours where it got to the point where his temper was out of control. You can't avoid these tempers sometimes, so the best thing to do is to learn the proper way to deal with it in an adult manner.


By all means continue seeing your mother, but talk to him when he talks to you. Don't be sarcastic or anything, otherwise that will set him off. If his temper starts flaring, you need to take a timeout, tell him, ';We need a break,'; And walk away. The best thing for these tempers is a Cool down time, that way later; you can talk about the problem calmly, and without flailing arms and yelling.


My mom gave me this advice because she dealt with the same thing. Your mom is probably the same way. If yelling starts, stop the conversation and talk about it later, but don't let your emotions soar.


The main thing is that he is your father, so it's not like you can change him or avoid him completely. Don't all around avoid him, because that does not solve the problem, it just covers it. Trust me, I have tried with my dad, and it just makes things worse in the long run. Though I don't tell him that I don't really enjoy visiting around with him there, I don't say that because he is human too. You have to also understand that he is human as well, and is not perfect.


Also, a little tidbit; Hang out with your mom at a time when you know he is at work, out, or just not around. That's what I do. That way, when I am visiting and he's there, it's not quite so nerve-wracking. Trust me; I know the irritation of having a family member that you don't really enjoy seeing much. But if you make peace with it and realize that he is your dad and he loves you, it will be a little easier.
I've had this problem with my Mother-in Law for 16 years. I've finally had it.


I Emailed her to let her know I won't be coming to Thanksgiving this year and why.


I refuse to let her ruin another Holiday for me.


Some people are just mad at life and there isn't much you can do about it.
My father is a real azz, and when he is being a jerk like that,I tell him off.You can tell he hates when I do that,but I really don't care,he knows im right.I know he is my father but in truth he is only a person,and if he is going to act like that, I let him have it.





Try ripping him a new one ( whats he going to do you're an adult living on your own)especially if you are in the right,he might just see the error of his ways and then you might be able to have a real conversation with him.GL
It sounds like you are really doing the best you can right now. You know it's not your fault and you have tried various ways of dealing with it. The fact is, he's a jerk. Others, including your mom, have decided to let him continue to treat them that way, while you have let him know you won't tolerate it towards you. Try to plan things with your mom that will limit your exposure to your dad- take her shopping or to a garden walk, etc. Things your dad wouldn't be interested in. Other than that, just do your best and know that you can't change him.
same situation. i realized that my parents behavior and the way she interacts with me is not really my fault.


i have talked to my older sisters and found that this was the way her parents interacted with her.i was to young to really know my grandparents before they passed away.


i have kids and found myself being the same way with them. i felt terrible and spoke to them about this.i asked them to let me know when i was being verbally abusive to let me know and this seems to work for us.


i cant change the past, i can only be aware of my actions in the future.