After that I went into a depression myself drank and partied a lot. Then my apartment building burnt down. Then I met this next guy within 8 months in a haze, he introduced many heavy drugs to me. Somewhere in the haze of drugs I end up marrying him and got pregnant. For some reason I cleaned up cold turkey and he didnt want to..... I got a divorce after 2 years and 2 kids later, opened my eyes, and have been sober for 11 years now.
I dated another guy for about 6 or 7 of those years, he was a narcissist, controlling, mental abuser, mentally towards my kids too and drank beer all the time. He even threw me through the kitchen into a glass table one time, but couldn't remember he did it. (his dad is an ex crack addict and mom is almost just like him mentally whacked) I kept going back to him and still think about him all the time (maybe it was the sex or maybe something in my mind misses the drama??)
Its been a year since I left him, and I've been dating this new guy for about 6 months. He's so great, nice, normal, helps me with my kids, good job, we have a lot of fun together, he's not into any drugs, he's helping me with my house I just bought fixing things up, etc. He never complains, doesn't cheat, never mean and is never jealous. We have fun in bed, but at the same time I don't think he's ';HOT';, more average looking. I also think that he's more into me than I am him, I know I like him, but can't say I love him....... and I am having a hard time letting my wall down and letting anyone get close to me. Now I feel like I'm already pushing him away. Or is it because there's no real ';spark'; or no ';wow I miss this guy and want to be with him';. I've been so hurt in the past, am I being blind, not letting him in , is it because I'm used to abuse from my last bf and not used to someone actually not putting me down? How do I get passed it, knock down the wall and let someone in that wants to love me the right way? instead of just running the other way........How can I let my emotional wall down?
I know your life walking in my own shoes.. Normal is ok, he doesn't have to be a model, and you said the intimacy is good. Your fears are correct, it is- you aren't used to being treated like a lady. you aren't used to being adored, which is why he is into you , more then you into him.You can't force walls down in another or in yourself, Time knocks the walls down! You need to heal yourself before you can share any kind of love with another, so it's ok if you can't say I love you to him. But if you care for him and you already know he cares for you, then let him into your past and the pains of sorrow, tell him how you feel and why you behave at times as you do. He will understand if you talk to him and let him into that place that has scars on you. You are running away, because of the fear of your past. If you don't learn to trust again and come to the realization that not all men are the same, then this caring man stands no chance with you. Don't let him slip away from you because your scared, let him work through it with you. you don't want to look back two years from now and say, I lost a good man! and hold regret because you pushed him away. When you are mentally and physically abused, you lose your own self respect, dignity, esteem.. but if you learn from your past, you will know now, that no one can take that from you if you don't give them the power to! Your confused now because you're not used to being treated with respect and touched with a gentle hand that does think of your feelings, it's frightening after being abused for so long, but at the same time, your learning that there is a man who adores you and thinks so highly of you, and you found him, you have him :) don't run away, you'll be running alone for life if you don't face where you were and where you are now. I lived it, I know, trust me.. you need to love yourself first, then be able to love another and if he wants to hold your hand while your learning, then don't let go. Dana
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