His father has gone so far as to say that he isn’t his real son. My boyfriend recalls being a young boy and hearing this. A few months ago his father said the same thing again. Recently, I found literature about coping with dysfunctional families and my boyfriend really showed his willingness to finally get some help. He read everything he could get his hands on and I totally supported whatever he wanted to do. I never meddled or forced anything upon him. He was so grateful that I was there for him. I spent hours researching and went so far as to buy him books with my own money. He decided to confront his father in a letter and basically cut off ties with his parents until they get some intensive therapy. They are emotionally draining and they call constantly to harass us. Last night my boyfriend and I were in a little argument and I said “What’s wrong with you?” And he got so upset and he said “Nothing, DAD!” I felt really insulted to be called that so, in response I replied with calling him my ex-husband’s name. Yes, all very immature! Well, what happened next shocked me. My boyfriend told me off and told me how much he cares about his dad and he doesn’t like me badmouthing his father and he doesn’t want me saying anything about him because he cares for him and loves him. I felt like the biggest fool. I felt like I put my neck out there and I did everything to support his quest for a life as an adult and as a survivor is his father’s abuse. Then, he turned on me. I am going to mind my own business. Am I wrong to now walk away and let him fend for himself?Should I end my emotional support for my 36 year old boyfriend who has been abused by his parents?
Get away and never look back. Bad relationship with the family and between you two. If he wants a sick family let him have them.Should I end my emotional support for my 36 year old boyfriend who has been abused by his parents?
It's time for sonny-boy to grow up. He's 40 years old and is still looking for approval from those who simply cannot give it.
Time to move on, girl. You deserve way, way better than this.
The thing is, once you're gone - stay that way. Do not let him or anyone from that nest of cockroaches he calls his family back into your life - not for any reason - ever.
it seems he still lovs his dad despite the problems and hes right in defending his dad the bible says honor thy father thats what hes doin. I have a similar instance where my dad bad mouths my older brother and i stick up for him bc hes my brothr and hes a good guy despite his minor problems. It might b best to continue to help him just simply dont mention his father in a negative way
The choice is yours but be careful to make a rash decision based on what was said in the heat of an argument. It is clear that you are part of the problem now and that this family dysfunction is very ingrained in the family system. I would ask do you really feel you need to put up with this type of abuse. You cannot expect him to change and hoping he will is very futile. You need to seek in your heart for what makes you happy and follow that happiness. Don't worry about him or his family you must take care of you. He might have had what they call a relapse back into his old ways of thinking which is very common. I'm sure there are much more stable men and families that would love to have you around. His family is not his choice but you do have a choice.
Based on what I've learned from unhealthy relationships...I'd bounce and never look back but that's me you might not be ready to take that step.
No your not wrong. He needs to make his own decisions. He needs to see just how damaging the relationship is. He sounds really desperate like he wants it to work with his father, but you know it won't work. If I were you, I'd get a restraining order against his father. If he is really that bad you don't need him coming near you! Protect you first and foremost! Let your boy come to his senses and realize he needs to do the same. Maybe record what his father says and then record his reaction until you've got enough evidence to show your boy how bad his father really is?
No, you're not wrong. It's the best thing you can do for YOU. You've tried to help and you've been there. Your bf isn't ready to get help. They all need it. It's time to cut ties and go your separate way. How much longer are you going to let this consume you? The daily stress of dealing with it must be difficult. Your bf is 36. It's his way of life, and he'll never change it. I don't blame him, but his father has really manipulated the whole family, and they feel guilty abandoning him.
It sounds like things just got out of control. Both of you said things you didn't mean. I am sure he didn't mean everything he said about his father either. However, when we are upset we often say things that we wouldn't have the courage otherwise to say.
When things calm down, the two of you need to have an adult talk this time and get things out in the open.
Change is difficult and a little scary. It could be that he is just afraid. There is also a lot of pressure in a dysfunctional family to play your role in the dysfunction. Everyone has their sick little part to play. If someone quits playing, it screws up the whole game.
Reiterate to him that you aren't trying to interfere or force him to do anything but he knows that the relationship isn't healthy.
I would start by asking myself if I loved the guy enough to see him through this.If the answer is yes,then you have options.Start by seeing if your boyfriend will go to couples counseling.Unfortunately,most mental illness is heriditary,and it sounds as if your boyfriend has some tendancies.Then,if you can get him started with counseling,he might see that there are things he needs to deal with from his past,and the therapist will help him with it.If he refuses,you have one of two options.You can either stand by him and hope that things won't get worse (which you know they will) OR you can end things.If your boyfriend starts gettig the help he needs now,he might be able to convince his dad to get help later.As far as dealing with his dad,there is no reason why he can't have a relationship with his father.It does not mean you have to though.Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable with his dad,but he is welcome to spend time with him.Remember,it is hard for your boyfriend to be torn between the woman he loves and the family that raised him.Cutting him off from his family is controlling him,and it also changes who he is.You did not fall for someone different,so dont make him change.Just find compromises to fit both of your comfort levels.
No comments:
Post a Comment