my mother and i have never had a great relationship. she has always belittled me and made me feel inferior, no matter what i did. she has lied to me, my friends, my ex-husband, and has manipulated situations to make me look bad. she tells the other members of my family that i have severe mental problems. she has told my grandmother and my brother that i am a psychopath and that i am also a sociopath. she tells them all these things because her and i constantly fought for so long because i really believe she is a bad mother to me and have been frustrated for as long as i can remember. i just always wanted a normal mom that wanted good things for me and shared my happiness with me. she wants me to appear mentally ill to everyone so that she can come off looking like a great mom, and i look like i'm insane.
every psychologist i've ever seen has told me to break off my relationship with my mother because she is very sick and will continue to make me feel bad about myself, leaving me feeling depressed and 'not good enough.' i wasn't ever able to do it bc she's my mother and i need a mom...everyone does.
at easter there was a big blow out in my family involving my mother and her sister (my aunt). my mom insisted i never talk to my aunt again (who has always been great to me). i didn't agree to do that...and i was working for my mother at the time (she owns a successful business). she fired me the next day over something extremely trivial. i have not spoken to her since. she has done this in the past, and it has made my life hell. when she fires me on her whims it stresses me out financially and emotionally because i worry about paying my bills, etc. but she LIKES to see me struggle and has proven this. she has to have control over me or else she gets really upset. i decided right then to discontinue my relationship with her...for my own sanity and well-being. i have not spoken to her in going on 5 months now.
my question to you is this. in the bible it says that you should ';honor thy mother and father.'; obviously, i am not doing this. my mother has a severe mental issue that she will never address to work to correct, so i have given up. i cannot live my life peacefully and maintain a relationship with her. so many professionals have told me this. she is an extreme narcissist and displays all of the traits. how do i feel good about this decision? am i committing a sin according to the 10 commandments? what would you do?How should i handle my mother who is a narcissist?
Unfortunately the only reliable defence against Narcissists is ';No Contact';.
Yea I recognise this is not an option when dealing with family members or the ';other parent'; of children - but you can reduce the contact you have to a bare minimum. Important family dates %26amp; the like. No matter what you say or do the Narcissist will twist it to their benefit, it's a bitter pill but you need to recognise that there's NOTHING you can do to stop the backstabbing etc - they need their ';supply'; no matter who gets hurt in the process. All you can do is to reduce the opportunities for them to get material to twist.
.How should i handle my mother who is a narcissist?
I would take notice of what the professionals tell you. Detaching from someone who is abusive is not dishonouring them, it is just keeping yourself emotionally safe...all the very best
Hmmm...are you my sister? I don't think you are committing a sin!! I'm sure in the Bible there is a section about parents honoring their children!! If not why do we have Child Protective Services!!!!
Keep your distance from her. You won't look insane when you aren't. Forget about the gossip and go past it and be happy.
A person can only turn the other cheek, just so many times. Your relationship with your mother is toxic, to put it mildly. I don't consider you as sinning because a person has to do whatever it takes to lead a happy %26amp; peaceful life. Sometimes, it's just necesary to put distance between ourselves %26amp; other people, in order to move on. Don't feel guilty about not maintaining a relationship with your mother. Your happiness is very important, so put your own feelings first %26amp; move on. I happen to know some people who are just like your mom. I chose not to deal with them, so I have stayed away from them for years. It was something I had to do, in order to keep my sanity. It was a choice I have never regretted. Don't regret your choice either. Life goes on.
My mother is also a narcissist, they are difficult to get away from.
I now see my mother only at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
I am still in therapy and trying to understand and undo the damage caused by my toxic upbringing.
As my therapist told me I was born but, I brought myself up.
I am certain that God knows what is best for us and in my case it is keeping my distance.
The phone works both ways.
It would do honor to Mother , Father and Self if you would grow up and leave home. If you don't want to be at her whims don't look for work there.
You do not have to be around to hear it or to respond.
Just get a life away from all that and stand on your own two feet.
I will deal with your interpretation of christian values first, because that appears to be of great concern to you. Honoring your mother does not include the dishonoring of yourself. you dishonor your self by subordinating yourself to your mother's illness and poor treatment of you. You honor her by first fixing a positive imagine of yourself in your mind then making that a reality.
At the present time you are not yet strong enough to deal with her on a daily face to face basis. You are going to have to spend time away from her. During this time you must work on healing the damage that she has done to you over the many years that you were under her influence.
You have been away from her for 5 months, I can imagine that you are going through some internal difficulties, guilt, longing, separation anxiety. All of these things are normal. You have to learn to trust yourself and the decisions that you make. You need the time away from her in order to remove her negative internal talk from your unconscious mind. So that you can begin hearing the positive voice that resides inside of you, that will nurture you and show you the right Direction for you to move in. This will be a slow and painful process, but you must do it for own sanity's sake.
I had a mother who was a narcissist. She also was a control freak. That combination is lethal for anyone who has to deal with her on close or long terms. It took me years and lots of therapy to learn how to deal with her.
While you can and should honor your parents, you should also keep a safe distance from her. It's not you that's the problem, it's her. My advice, and this has worked for me, is not to get into arguments or discussions with her. That just makes it worse. If she's wrong, let her be wrong. You know she's wrong, everyone else knows she's wrong, only she doesn't. If she demeans or insults you, leave the room, hang up the phone, change the subject, or ignore what she says, and talk to someone else, if possible. You don't have to take that from her. She's out to make you look bad, which she thinks makes her look good. It doesn't, it only makes her look worse. Stay out of arguments and don't take sides. At least not with her around. Stop working for her. Try to get your own job. That will show that you are independent and don't need her for your livelihood. It may be hard to get a job, but anything is better than that. If you don't work for her, she can't fire you.
You are you, a separate and different person from her. You have your own life to lead. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem. I sympathize with you, and understand what you are going through. It's not easy, but you will win in the end. Good luck to you. You will succeed.
http://eastonsbibledictionary.com/search鈥?/a>
Here are some definitions of the word, ';honor.';
From your details, I'd say that has been done up to the last remaining thing (to keep from sinning).
Keep in mind that it is not ';honoring'; a drug addicted parent if you go out %26amp; buy their cocaine b/c they have requested it of you. That is a dishonor b/c you see they have a life threatening problem %26amp; you are adding to it.
In your case, your mother has a debilitating mental disorder %26amp; you living with %26amp; working for her are only feeding that disorder.
It's good that you got away. Now make one contact by mail stating that you see her problem %26amp; will be willing to stand with her IF she seeks professional help.
Mom had a scapegoat for all of her flaws, all of these years. (YOU) Now you need to step away from her to let her hit rock bottom so that she can SEE her own problems. (Which is not easy for a narcissist b/c everyone else is to blame. -- So be prepared, this day may never come.)
I'd keep a cell phone for all your needs %26amp; get one of those cheap, in town, emergency only, phone land lines that cost about $13 a month. Give that number to mother %26amp; only her. Now you know it's her when she calls. Keep an answering machine. If she leaves a sane message respond to it. If she starts with her delusions, hit erase message right away. (Let her know ahead of time that you will be doing this.) Tell her that you are only interested in having a healthy, adult relationship w/ her. Anything else will only be harmful to you %26amp; dishonoring of her. (Remember, enabler = dishonor).
She will know how to have a few good sentences with you B4 she reverts to old habits. DON'T let her finish the sentence. Have the same response %26amp; never vary from it. (Could be, ';This is getting toxic. I'll hang-up until you can speak with me as an adult.) Just say these words in a calm voice even if she is screaming at you. Say it (whatever you pick) the same way every time. Should she have you on speaker phone, all anyone else will every hear is the same respectful remarks said in a sane tone of voice.
As you live your life in a mentally healthy environment, you will begin to change %26amp; will not come across as the psychopath she paints you to be.
Everyone needs a mother. I had one %26amp; she was killed. I have been blessed to find many ';mothers'; in my life since her passing. God will provide you a mother figure from ';the body of Christ.'; He is all your provision. So you can let Him give you a spiritual mother to go along w/ having a biological mother.
What would I do? I got away from toxic situation for about 20 years. I re-established contact and nonchalantly stated my boundaries during conversations. If violated, I reprimanded. (';That was a discriminating remark. I need to go now.'; -- CLICK %26amp; hung up.)
15 years after 1st contact, I am no longer in toxic relationship. The person had a hard learning curve, but now we're very loving %26amp; supportive.
Even if it never resulted in this, I knew I had tried, but I did so at a safe distance %26amp; used that ';end call'; quite frequently.
avoid her!not a sin.u can honor her by sending a nice gift or present on birthdays,holidays,etc.a little card or note from time to time.thus,u acknowledge her as ur mother and honor the fact that she gave birth to u,but u are not physically in the same room,which can lead to arguements,etc.call from time to time if u wish,but keep it brief.if she starts in on u,say,';mom,this conversation is not going in a positive direction,lets try again another time.talk 2 u soon,bye.';click.said calmly and not meanly,which will require patience and a sense of humor on ur part.she is toxic,just dont let her get under ur skin.JUst think ';oh,thats just mom being a diva again';,and hang up kindly but firmly.she might improve after a show of calmness and strength on ur part.i have a dad a bit like this.i long ago resigned myself to brief interactions and just saying';ok,well,i think i need to regroup.call u another time.';took awhile,but our phone conversations are pretty civil now.i keep our holiday interactions brief-an hour or two,then we have to get home ';to let the dogs out';,or something.he is still obnoxious,but fairly civil then.i had to train him,but i did it.yes,the bible says honor ur parents,but it doesnt say u need to be their doormat,or to let them destroy u.polite,concerned but a bit distant and being a calm advocate for urself,that is honoring without being demoralised.u can do it,good luck!
I don't see where you have dishonored your mother. The bible tells you to prayer for others so continue to pray for your mother and to love her from a distance. Don't do anything to intentional hurt your mother and live your own life. Forgive her for every hurtful thing she has done to you and don't be caught in the same circumstance that would get you hurt again. (Find different employment and become independent) You are a grown woman now. As bad as things are with your mother she did give you life and she did get you grown. Praise her for that if nothing else. Continue your relationships with other family members. One of the traits of mentally ill people is to isolate their loved ones from other people. (You in this case) Once isolated they have all control over them. Not healthy for you. Don't fall into that trap. Stay in contact with your aunt. Like I said you are an adult and are in control of your future.
Oh honey, I can relate to your situation in so many ways. My mother has been so cruel to me all my life and she is extremely self-centered and demanding. As your mother ages, she will become more and more dependent on you. You are wise to move away from her. I wish I would have moved away years ago before my mom became elderly. What makes me so sad - incredibly and horribly sad - is that I have missed out on having a mom who was my ';cheerleader';. Most parents love their children and ';have their backs'; with all the hard knocks in life. But not so with mothers like ours. I don't know about you, but I have serious emotional problems because of the lack of love and the hateful ways that I endured from my mom. I love her so much and know that I will be heartbroken when she dies, but at the same time...I can't finish what I want to say.
Take care honey and best wishes with whatever you decide.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother also. I just didn't figure it out until I was well into my 40's. I had always thought it was me with the problem. I was never thin enough or smart enough or ambitious enough for my mother, and grew up thinking that I was just not a very good person. On the other hand, my mother was always right, never did anything wrong, and was highly disappointed in how I turned out. If I did anything that she interpreted as disrespectful, she would take to her room for days at a time and not speak to me. Once when I was about 14, I rolled my eyes when she was being particularly critical, and she didn't speak to me for days. I remember apologizing to the point of begging. She was immovable.
As a result, I was painfully shy and didn't know how to stand up for myself; and on those rare occasions when I did take up for myself, I would feel guilty and apologize for my assertive behavior and go back to being submissive, even when I knew in my heart that I was right. I was petrified that I would be rejected by co-workers, loved ones, friends.
I was fortunate enough to marry a very pragmatic man who convinced me after many years that my mother, not me, was the problem and that it was OK if I pulled away a bit. I didn't have to stick around and listen to her abuse. I was an adult who could get in my car and leave or politely end a phone conversation, and then screen calls so that I wouldn't have to talk to her for at least a week if I wasn't in the emotional shape to do so. My mother eventually got the message. She learned that she would have no contact with me unless she behaved herself and kept her criticisms in check.
My advice is to stay in contact with your mother because you will feel guilty if you don't, but to never put yourself in the position that you can't get away from her by either getting up and leaving or by hanging up the phone. That means that you NEVER GO BACK TO WORK FOR HER, even if it means you have to collect unemployment or even go on food stamps.
Ignore ';well-meaning'; people who report to you every word that your mother says about you, and do not acknowledge or discuss anything about your relationship with your mother. Respond to them only with a prepared response, such as ';thank you for your concern'; and then end the conversation and leave or hand up the phone. You don't need to make excuses or defend yourself. It's none of their business. If you need someone to talk to, choose one or two trusted friends or relatives who won't go running to her trying to fix things. The only person who can fix this is you by showing your mother that she no longer has any control over your life.
I'm sorry that you're going through this experience. I truly do understand how horrible it can make a person feel to be constantly criticized and humiliated by the one person who is supposed to be supportive and love you unconditionally. It's a flaw in her personality, not yours, that is the problem here. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to assert your independence in an adult manner. She'll always be who she is, but she might learn to keep her attitudes in check if you can stand strong and refuse to listen. Good luck to you.
True, the Bible says we should honor our mother and father. That means give them the respect they deserve for bringing you into this world. There is much more than birthing a child, it takes proper rearing which some parents do a poor job of. We may not like what our children, or our parents do from time to time, but we still should give them respect for the title they hold. This does not mean that a child should take emotional or physical abuse from a parent. The decision is up to you as to how much you wish your mother to be a part of your life. If it is affecting your mental well being, you must take care of yourself in order to not be exposed to the abusive behaviors. Again, honor her for giving you life, beyond that, use your common sense and get on with your life in a manner that makes you happy.
Hello Dear Heart-
I am not a senior, but i am a mental health counselor.. I will simply say that your moms behavior can alter yours..
you said that you need a mom, that is not so ..children need parenting and guidance, you are a grown woman..
we cannot help the family we are born into, but we can make choices to break free of unhealthy relationships...
you mention the Bible.. did you also read where it said ';parents do not
provoke your children..';
yes, we are to honor our parents, and sometimes ';silence is golden';
we can honor by silence...
You said its been 5 months, so that means you are working elsewhere..?
your mom was wrong to fire you, and it was illegal..
also, when others ask about your moms and you.. simple state that you are great and that you feel so less anxious, and that for your own self and mental health you need to space it out..
that you want positive, uplifting people around you..
and that if people are negative you don't want them around you...
dont have toxic people around you.. its your mom, not you with internal issues.. she must deal with them...
stick with people that make you feel good, your Aunt, other family..
volunteer at a senior center etc...
concentrate on you...
hope this helps...
Honey,been there, done that! This year, on my birthday, I emancipated myself from my family. It was exhilarating! You are the same age as my daughter. So first I would say, find a person who can be a mother figure for you or a strong woman so that you know what you want to be.
The Ten Commandments say ';Honor thy father and mother.'; You can honor your mother without all the mental abuse, and you don't have to stay with her/near her. You want to pray for her, asking God to forgive her, and for her to get better. Pray the Lord's Prayer twice. Once, to forgive her for hurting you. And once, for God to forgive you if you have fueled your mother's behavior. The funny thing is, if you do this prayer, your mother will/or should/or could feel God lightening her load. This doesn't mean she will be the sweet mother that you have desired.
It also says in the Bible (sorry, I can't give you the verse, but I think it is in Mathew around Chapter 10) ';If you go where you are not welcomed, leave, kick off your shoes, shake the dirt off your feet, leave, and close the gate. I heard those words when I was packing up my mother's possessions after her death. My brothers were evil S.O.B's. I kept chanting to myself, ';I can't close the gate.';
Well, NOW I HAVE CLOSED THE GATE! They can take a flying leap!
My father is another story. He abused us kids, well, at least the two oldest, Me and my younger brother. I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. Now he is 83. My brothers owe him too much money, which he will never see, and they don't visit or call him.
I told him that I still do things for him because I was raised by the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph, I answer to a higher authority.
Tough times don't last, tough times do. If you have a lot of debt, see a credit counselor. They can help you make a budget of your bills, and coordinate with your creditors for a lower payment, until you make enough money. You can make it. Feel free to email me if you need a pep talk. You are strong and you will make it!
You are not the one with the problem, your mother is. If I had listened to everything the Bible told me to do, I would not be in the wonderful position I am in today.
I married for the first time - after 12 years divorced (abuse) I met and married a wonderful man (I had five young children at the time) and we have now been married 34 years.
The Bible tells us to obey our husbands etc. and the Church itself does not believe in divorce. I could have ended up dead as well as my children.
Your situation is similar in that you are reading the Bible and going by what it tells you to do. Why? Cannot you see for yourself that a loving ';God'; would not want you to accept the abuse your mother seems to have always given you, so that your life could be completely messed up.
We are giving free choice. Why? So that we will make the right choices to enhance our lives in the right direction. You cannot be a loving, compassionate, forgiving, non-judgemental etc. person when you are continually being treated like this.
This does not mean you do have to stop loving your mother, it means you have to start respecting yourself. By respecting and loving yourself you will turn your life around for the better and THAT is what ';God'; wants you to do.
You are not expected to put up with abuse of any kind, because you read the Bible. For goodness sake start thinking for yourself. You are not a bad person, you have tried your hardest to change things around.
AND you are not doing your mother any favours either. She is wasting her life by being negative and abusive to you. She will never improve her own situation IF YOU ENABLE HER. Just like an alcoholic who treats the family terribly when he is drinking and they enable him by making excuses for him. By stopping this enabling you will hopefully help her to see her own serious problem. If not, that is her problem not yours.
You cannot end your life on this earth when you are older, and make excuses that you were not able to live the life you wanted because of your mother. That is an excuse because you always have the choice to live your life positively. At this point you are choosing to live your live negatively.
It is all up to you. Do not feel guilty, you are not the one who is doing harm, she is.
If we took everything the Bible said literally, this world would be in a worse mess than it is in already.
You know what you need to do. Read every one of the answers here and remember you aren't alone. My Mother never one time told me she loved me. She told me I was homely and needed to find a husband as soon as I graduated High School because I wasn't smart enough to have a job and take care of myself. But I did do just fine after cutting the apron strings. For goodness sake find another job in another city and get away from any person who treats you this way. By staying and putting up with her, you are going to become as nutty as she is, Grow up and be on your own and good luck.
If this is true and it sounds like it is, there is something you need to realize. Giving birth does not make a mother.
She has, for some reason resented you and it is probably due to her own low self esteem. But this is not your concern. Don't let her problem be your problem anymore. Right now it is important that you think of you and your real relationships with decent people. If your aunt is a wonderful person, consider her your mother. Divorce your mother for your own sanity and peace of mind. You have honored your mother so you have not broken any commandments. You can still acknowledge that she is the one who gave birth to you. You don't need to continually put yourself in this situation. Step away from this hurtful and hateful woman and go forward with your life, Enjoy life to the fullest and be happy with yourself. God Bless
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